It's okay to be okay

Originally posted on July 28, 2012

When you’ve experienced a loss the way we have, I think it’s easy to fall into bitterness and jealousy. But, that’s not me and it’s not us.

Of course I can’t help but feel we bit the statistical bullet and it seems incredibly unfair. However, we can’t do anything to change it and I feel it would dishonor Nathan to wallow in pity.

As James said in his last post, Nathan was beautiful. And even though I was grieving his death, I felt a sense of calm and peace when I saw him and held him for the first time. I was so relieved to see he was beautiful and favored Ryan as an infant.

How can I see that face and feel bitter? I can’t.

There are times I feel guilty for laughing at something funny or delighting in a new Ryan antic but I know that it’s fine to be feeling okay.

Because there hasn’t been a single day in the last three weeks that I haven’t shed tears over him, too.

I had a calendar at my desk at work counting down the weeks to viability. It was a small relief to get to 50/50 viability and a huge relief to get to 95+% viability because I naively thought that we practically had Nathan in our arms. I believed there was nothing that could go so wrong that it wouldn’t end with Nathan being delivered safely, even if early.

Getting that close to the end and losing your child is a truly horrible feeling. There is only one thing I can imagine that would be worse and I won’t allow my mind to go there.

But ultimately, we’re okay. We have a beautiful son here with us and a beautiful angel son.

We are still a happy family.